What To Do Today Emmett?
by Cullens4everandever
Summary: What trouble can Emmett get himself into today? Involves caterpillars, vampires and werewolves of course! warning u now, not for Jacob lovers! I say nothing against him in chp.1 but might do something to him in other chps.my first ff,R&R but be nice!
1. Chapter 1 Caterpillars and species!

**Chapter 1**

**Caterpillars, Werewolves and Vampires**

"What to do today Emmett?" I pondered to myself as I walked around the house. Alice and Jasper were nowhere to be found. Edward was, of course, at Bella's, Rosalie was doing her hair and Carlisle and Esme were in the living doing who knows what. "I know!" I thought to myself, "I'll have an eating contest with Edward!" so I sprinted off to Bella's house.

"EDWARD!" I screamed at Bella's window. He poked his head out, and, for some strange reason, he looked like he really didn't want to see me.

"What do you want Emmett? You've already tried to get me to go get a tan, shoplift, go bungee jumping, and turn Bella into a dog with your magic kit with you today, and I said no to all those things so what could you possibly still want to do with me that you think I'll say yes to???" as he said all this he kept getting louder and louder and he seemed mad for some weird reason. Jeez, you'd think I'd asked him to commit suicide, the way he talked about my plans! (Which I haven't. Yet.) "If it's something stupid, I WILL have to hurt you."

"Its not stupid at all! I want to have a contest!" Edward looked like he was about to say yes when he got this weird look on his face.

"You idiot! WE DON'T EAT!" Oh yeah. Well there goes my plan. He could've at least let me actually say it. Stupid mind reading werewolf brother.

"I heard that and how many times do I have to tell you, I'm not a werewolf! Where do you get these things anyway?!?" not a werewolf? How can this be? He had all the symptoms of werewolfyness and yet he's not a werewolf? Yeah right!

"Yes you are! You're from Canada, you turn colors when you're mad (and your mad a whole lot,), and all the girls, well mostly Bella, say you're hot! That, mister, makes you a werewolf." I smiled. I win! I thought to myself proudly. I had proved Edward's a werewolf. While I was thinking this, Edward apparently was listening in again. He looked like he really wanted to kill me. What a sore loser.

"I'm not a sore loser because YOU DIDN'T WIN. Werewolves have none of those symptoms at all except maybe the hot part but even then it means actual HEAT! Something I have none of. Besides, I'm not from Canada and Werewolves don't turn colors when they're mad, they start to shake WHICH I DON'T DO!" hmm. Maybe he isn't a werewolf. "Thank you! Oh yeah, and I still have to hurt you for your stupid idea." Edward turned to Bella who was now at the window as well and asked if it was all right if he went to beat me up. What??? He asks Bella's opinion but not MINE??? Oh well, I didn't have time to think about it now. I had to run.

I'm very used to running away from Edward now. I do it on a daily basis now! Occasionally I have to run from Rose or Alice or Jasper but not as often as I run from Edward. So, anyways I started running and before I knew it I was in La Push at that vampire's, Jacob's, house. I crashed through the window and some old guy in a wheel chair was there, looking at me all funny. Then that Jacob kid came in and started yelling at me about how we crossed the line and broken the treaty and stuff. It was really boring so I kind of tuned him out after a while. He was starting to really get on my nerves when I said, "You know, why do we even have this treaty? I mean we're both vampires and I live with a werewolf and we get along okay. Well actually right now I'm running for my life from him, but that's not important right now." Jacob the vampire was looking at me strange now before he started yelling again. "I'm not a vampire you idiot! I'm a werewolf! And as far as I know you don't live with a werewolf!" this annoyed me more then anything else so far. I was being called a liar!

"I do too live with a werewolf his name's Edward and I know he's a werewolf because he's from Canada (which is awesome), he turns colors when he's mad, and girls think he's hot! I also know you're a vampire because girls think you're cool, (even though you can't get one), you're afraid of caterpillars, and you don't sleep." Ha. I win again. Unfortunately, Jacob chose now to start yelling again. "Edward is a leech like you! Those aren't symptoms of being a werewolf like me at all!" strange, that's what Edward said. "And, I am cool, but I'm not afraid of caterpillars (who would be?), and I can sleep! I'm a werewolf and don't forget it or call me a leech ever again. You hear me?" I zoned out again while he was talking, but I realized Edward the supposed vampire was getting closer. Without saying goodbye to the old man or Jacob, I started to run again.

I got really far this time. I realized I was in Canada now! Awesome! Unfortunately, I was in the caterpillar province. They were everywhere! I curled up in the fetal position and started crying. Fortunately, Alice and Jasper found me. I was about to ask them to take me home and protect me from Edward's wrath but they started laughing before I could talk. They didn't stop and I was too afraid of the caterpillars surrounding me to get up. So I waited. And waited. But they never stopped laughing. How rude, I thought.

Eventually, Edward found me there and beat me with some trees (containing caterpillars) that were all over Canada. Gosh, why must Canada have such pain and caterpillar filled trees? He got bored finally and left to go back to Bella's probably. Alice and Jasper were still laughing when I got the courage up to run from the evil caterpillars. Did you know that caterpillars aren't as innocent as they seem? I swear they will over throw the world one day so they can rule. Be prepared because I'm not going to be around on that day since Esme's making me go find Alice and Jasper. They're still laughing somewhere in Canada. Curse them.

_**Disclaimer: Wish I owned it, but I don't. Darn.**_

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**Anyway, I don't know if I really like this chapter. I really just did it because I was bored. If I get a lot of reviews though I'll consider putting up another chapter. Or more… you never know.**

**-Cullens4everandever**


	2. Chapter 2 Stealing Bella

**Chapter 2**

**Stealing Bella**

**Disclaimer: I think I'm going to cry, but I don't own Twilight. Yet.**

Emmett's POV

Okay, telling everyone that caterpillars are taking over? Not one of my brightest ideas. And I've had a lot of those so I would know. I got a lot of letters telling me I'm an idiot (like Edward does). Anyway, I really need something to do today. Yesterday, i spent the entire day in the bath tub trying to get the caterpillar germs off me. Had I been human, I'd probably be dead right now i scrubbed so hard. It was fun though because I got to play with my rubber ducky! I love that duck.

Think, Emmett, think! What fun stuff is there to do around here? Hmmm... I could bother Edward again... no, I'd get hurt... I wonder what Rose is up to... no, I'd get hurt then too... I know! I'll steal Bella! She can't hurt me! Besides, Edward won't hurt me for that, Alice does it all the time so I should be all right. Perfect idea! I get a cookie! Wait, I can't eat. I miss cookies. Maybe I'll give Bella a cookie while she can still enjoy them! And then we can go to Canada to get rid of all those caterpillars! Perfect! This should be fun.

I went over to Bella's and like usual, Edward was there. How am I supposed to get Bella with Edward the Emmett hurter here? Why is he always here anyway? Oh well. So I climbed up the wall and in through Bella's window. They were just sitting on her bed talking. How boring! They never do anything exciting. That's why I'm here to help! So I grabbed Bella and threw her over my shoulder. Edward looked stunned for a second before hopping off the bed to kill me. I ran (the only logical thing to do) for Canada. Edward was right on my tail so I sped up. Bella started to scream for Edward to help her but i gave her a cookie and she was quiet again. Why was she quiet? I looked the pack of cookies in my hand (still running). They weren't cookies, they were poison! GASP! Oh well. I hope she isn't dead.

I looked behind me to see how close Edward was and got a shock. Not only was Edward chasing me (where'd he get that medieval flail? Oh well), but Jacob the boy kid wolf wonder was too! Where'd he come from? He probably just wanted to look like a hero in front of Bella so she'd leave Edward. Too bad she was knocked out.

So finally we got to Canada (Jacob and Edward in tow) and the caterpillars were everywhere! It was terrifying! There was more than last time too! They were probably building up their army to over throw the planet! We had to stop them! I put on the brakes and screeched to a stop. Jacob and Edward were so close no that they instantly crashed in to me. Edward Grabbed Bella from and immediately began pummeling me. I ran up a tree. Edward, holding an unconscious and poisoned Bella, couldn't get me. He paced the tree around and around, growling the whole time. Jacob just stood there waiting for something to do.

Suddenly, the caterpillars were morphing. Drawing together into some huge shape, it seemed to grow and grow as more caterpillers took their spots. Finally, it was done. The shape the caterpillars had formed was a giant...

**Sorry for the cliffy. Had to keep you guys reading somehow! I need... reviews!!!!! please? thanks to those that did! To those who didn't? Who needs you?... Actually I do. So pleeeaaaseee review?**

**-Cullens4everandever**


	3. Chapter 3 The Funeral

**Chapter 3**

**The Funeral**

**Emmetts POV ( I might switch eventually... I don't know)**

A giant RUBBER DUCK! Suddenly, I realized something. If caterpillars could morph into something so sweet and nice and cute and rubbery and fun and… what was I thinking? Oh yeah, if they could turn into that then they couldn't be all bad right? Hmm… Maybe I misjudged the caterpillars… maybe they just want LOVE! Apparently Edward wasn't listening to my revelation because he then went and attacked the caterpillars, Jacob right behind him.

"No!!! Stop they aren't evil!!! I was wrong!!! Stop!!!" I yelled trying to get them not to kill my new friends. Edward just glanced at me and kept fighting them. He squished a lot of them. Hmmm… maybe I'll have a funeral for them later. Mean while, Jacob had turned into his wolf form (whodathunkit! He was telling the truth about being a werewolf!) and was mashing the caterpillars with his paws.

Finally (about 30 seconds later), all the caterpillars were dead. Bella still hadn't woken up. Hmmm... Maybe she is dead. That means Edward is going to hurt me again!

"NOOOO!!!!!" I screamed while running away. Wait, I thought, I forgot my new dead buddies! I sprinted back, grabbed all the caterpillars and sprinted away again. Edward and Jacob seemed to be competing over who could revive Bella first. That may take a while.

I got back to forks and went to Alice first.

"Alice! Will you plan the funeral for these caterpillars?" then she saw me with the caterpillars in my arms and started laughing. Jasper joined in soon too. It was like I was back in Canada. I tried Esme next.

"Esme? Will you plan the funeral for these caterpillars? Edward killed them." I pouted when she turned to face my deceased friends and me. Then she started yelling at me about bringing bugs into her spotless home and how I should get out now or she was going to have to torch the caterpillars and such. I left eventually when I got bored of listening to her rant. Well if no one will help me, I'd do it myself. So I did.

I invited all the local caterpillars to attend and made a casket large enough for all the caterpillars that died that fateful day when they tried to over throw the planet and were foiled by a vampire and a werewolf boy wonder.

The ceremony went well. All the female caterpillars wept (at least I think they were female). It was sad. I wonder what I should do tomorrow?

Disclaimer: Ding dong! Who could that be? Stephenie Meyer! What a surprise! Did you know I'm borrowing your characters even though I don't own them? Oh you need them back? Here you go… sigh. I wish I owned them but I don't.

**Sorry, it took me a while to figure out how to get chapters on the first one. I'm still not quite sure actually… Anyway more chapters should be on the way if you guys review that is!**

**-Cullens4everandever**


	4. Chapter 4 PUPPY!

Chapter 4

A puppy for Bella

Emmett's POV (who else? Still thinking of switching though…)

Okay, remember me mentioning I had a lot of bright ideas? Well I had another one! That brings my total to six! Esme's so proud of me. Well anyway, my idea was that to get revenge on Edward (he beat me up for poisoning Bella, she's okay now but she can't remember anything that happened after she moved to Forks. Carlisle said she should come around one of these days. I wonder what he meant by 'come around'. Hmmm… I will ponder it later. Hee hee, ponder is a funny word. Ponderponderponderponder…). Great idea huh? I haven't worked out the details yet, but I know it's going to be great! I think I'll go find him so I can start my revenge.

At Bella's house-

"Please Bella remember me! I'm not a bad person! I'm not going to eat you! Remember me!" Edward was pleading at Bella's window. The window was closed (actually it looked like it had been nailed shut… hmmm… strange). Then Edward noticed I was there. He actually seemed kind of happy to see me. Also strange. "Emmett! I need your help! I want you to go buy a puppy! If I give her that, she might see that if I don't eat the puppy, I won't eat her! Maybe she'll even think if something like us is able to pick out something so cute, then we can't possibly be all bad. PLEASE don't mess this up Emmett. I would have to hurt you, A LOT, then. Oh and while you're at the pet store, don't massacre the animals there." While Edward was talking I kind of zoned out. He was really boring. All I heard was that he was talking about a puppy, and that I would get hurt if I didn't do it right. Apparently he finished talking (it took a while) and was waiting for me to say something. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say so I just said,

"Garbage dumps are a source of candy and alligators." Edward stared at me and then put his face in his hands.

"You know what? I think I'll do this myself." Then something clicked. He wanted me to go to the pet store to get a puppy for Bella for various reasons! E mc2! I'm symmetrical!

"No! Edward, I can do it! I am symmetrical after all." He gave me a strange look but let me do it anyways.

Where to look for puppies? Well, sometimes there's a box of puppies outside of the candy shop (I just go for the hot chicks, but Rosalie found out and made me stop going.). I could go to a pet store, oh wait, no I can't. (There are two pet stores in town. One of them, I accidentally ate all the animals at (I got kicked out), and the other pet store I was just walking around, minding my business, when this dog came and bit onto my leg! I bit him back and then he started yowling and stuff. The owner kicked me out but she should have been thanking me, what other place can say they have a vampire dog for sale? It probably got them business! Oh well.). I know where I can get a puppy for cheap! I'll go there now!

La Push (I think you know what's coming)

I started running around the forest when I picked up this disgusting smell. When was the last time they took a bath? Oh well, I had to follow the putrid scent in order to find what I needed. So I did. I went a long way, all over the place! Finally I saw him, he was perfect! Maybe a little shaggy, and, gosh, did he ever stink! But oh well. Bella won't mind. So I grabbed the collar and leash that Rose uses on me and put it around his neck. He tried to bite me, but I already had the muzzle that Rose also uses on me on him and we were off!

It took a while to get him home, but we finally got back to Bella's. When Edward saw us he started to sprint over, but stopped. He put his face in his hands and groaned. What'd I do wrong? I got him a dog. Bella would love him!

"Emmett? Do you know who that is?" it sounded like Edward was trying not to kill me. Why would he want he want to kill me? And why was he referring to the dog like it was a human being or something? I was seriously confused. So in other words, everything was right with the world.

Anyway, right then Bella came outside and started going towards Edward saying, "Okay, since I can't remember anything, I guess I'll trust you won't eat me," but she stopped when she saw the dog (whom I decided to name Nuggles). She looked kind of dazed then suddenly she looked really mad.

"Why do you have Jacob on a leash?" Bella demanded while she went over and started taking the leash and collar off him.

"You… you remember? If you remember Jacob then you have to remember me!" Edward cried. This could get interesting. I grabbed my handy dandy popcorn stash and sat to watch the fireworks.

"Yes I remember! I also remember that you agreed you weren't going to do anything to Jacob like I asked!" Bella cried. Jacob came over and sat next to me. It was like watching tennis. Jacob and my head would snap back and forth from Bella to Edward and back. Man, did it give me a crick! "Besides, he made me get my memory back. Something you couldn't do! AND I also remember that some of my memories of being in Forks consists of you leaving me!" Jacob (still in dog mode) made a laughing noise.

"This isn't my fault! I asked Emmett to get you a dog and he came back with him! I will concede that leaving you was all my fault and I'm a very horrible person for doing it." Edward said hanging his head.

"You let Emmett do it? Are you insane? You've heard his thoughts haven't you?" Hey! What does she mean by that? Oh she must mean I'm so smarticle that stuff like getting a dog is beneath me. That must be it! She was calling me smart!

"Thanks Bella!" I said. They both turned and gave me weird looks. What I say? Before I could ask this they turned back towards each other and were arguing again. I was getting really bored. When Edward starts using big word it's time for me to leave. What should I do tomorrow?

Disclaimer: I dreamt last night I owned twilight and the characters, but, alas, it was just a dream. (Ha ha! Alas is a funny word!)

**A/N- Kudos to **ducksrule71821 **for getting over 50 chapters on her hilarious story! Anyway, thought I should mention that. **

**Right, well, I'm getting kind of bored doing this. Should I just make this my last one? I don't know. I need your, the reader's, opinion to decide. Review! Let me know!**

**BTW- do you guys even see that little review button down there? I've gotten 185 hits and yet only **_**6**_** reviews!!! What's up with you guys??? Are you just lazy? REVIEW OR YOU"LL HURT MY FEELINGS!!!**

**-Cullens4everandever**


	5. Author's note srry hate them too

A/N- okay, I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long, but I'm not really sure I want to update anymore. It was a ton of fun to get inside Emmett's head at first, but I'm so completely out of ideas, that I really can't do it anymore. I might add a few more chapters if any, but I think, for the most part, I'm done. Let me know if you have ideas for me!

**BTW- **xXx-Koda dear-xXx **was going to be in my chapter, and if I do have any more, u will be in it! Promise! READ HER STORY! IT'S UBER FUNNY!!!**

**Sorry, Cullens4everandever**

**PS- I'm not done WRITING, just bored with this particular story!**


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